more pictures

Saying Goodbye

There is so much to say and so much that has happened. I don't even know where to begin. Saturday October 16th was the day of Clarissa's funeral. I felt busy preparing for the funeral. My best friend growing up and my sister surprised me and flew in for the funeral. I am so happy they could be there. Our parents were busy at work making preparations. The day before the funeral was very difficult for me. I felt like I was emotional all day long.

But Saturday rolled around and it couldn't have been more of a beautiful day. It was bright and sunny and warm. I felt happy and at peace. We got dressed and ready for the day and the house was busy with friends and family helping. Eric and I picked up our sweet angel from the funeral home and brought her to the church along with the casket.

We held her as our family came in to see her. We said our last goodbyes and lay her in the casket. The service was perfect. The words that were said and the music was so special. We all drove to the graveside. Eric and his father carried the casket. All the men in our family sang "Be Still My Soul" at the graveside after a dedicatory prayer was said by my father.

It was more perfect than I could have asked for. We thanked our Heavenly Father for helping make this day so precious and our whole time with her just so special. I was so happy to finally lay her body to rest. I will forever be grateful for the little blessing that came to our family. She has blessed our lives, we miss her so much but are comforted to know we will see her again.

Our little Clarissa

It has been a long time since I have written. Thank you everyone for helping us through this journey. As you know our little Clarissa was born on October 7th. We were so happy to finally have her arrive. Unfortunately she did not live through labor. The labor went well, although my epidural did not work, luckily there were no complications. When the doctor broke my water lets just say we had our towels ready. What we really needed were buckets! Eric and I figured I had around 2.5 gallons of water. Crazy! What a relief though. My belly shrunk down to a little bump. Clarissa weighed 3 lb 11 0z.

Both of our mothers were there during the labor. They were a great support and strength to us both. After Clarissa was born our families came in to see her. Maveric was not very shy and came right over to her to love her and give her kisses. We had wonderful nurses there helping us through it all. They stayed longer than their shifts so they could be there to help us. Thank you! We will never forget you.

Ashley from Knollmeyer photography came to take photos of our baby girl. Amy, our photographer who did our belly pictures and owner of Knollmeyer photography was out of town and not able to be there. We were sad but Clarissa decided to come early. We were so glad Ashley was there! We have such beautiful pictures to cherish forever thanks to them. We love you guys! Ashley was there taking pictures for a long time. Tami our tech stayed to take pictures as well with our camera. She helped Eric get her dressed for her little photoshoot. We had several outfits for her. Grandma says she had the photoshoot of a lifetime. And she was right.

Grammi drove up to see her too. We had 4 generations there. So great! We had such a wonderful time with Clarissa at the hospital. We stayed with her until the evening of the 9th. We took several pictures. We held her and loved her. It was such a special time. It was very difficult to leave her at the hospital when we went home. I had a hard time that night feeling the loss of my baby. A new realization sank in that she was no longer in my belly and I didn't get to bring her home. But our time with her at the hospital was so perfect. I was grateful for that.

We Finally Meet

This is Eric writing a quick note to let all know that our sweet baby girl was born on Thursday, October 7th at 7:56pm. She weighed 3lb 11oz and is 15 inches long. We had a doctors appointment on Thursday morning and when the doctor saw Rachel he knew that she was going to have the baby that day. He sent us over to labor and delivery to get put on the monitors so they could follow the contractions. The contractions were consistent enough to be considered in labor. The babies head was in position and they decided to break the water. Family drove up to be there and Rachel was progressing very well. Rachel did amazing and Clarissa was born. Unfortunately she was not able to make it through the labor and was stillborn. It was a very emotional and special time to finally meet her and hold her.

Rachel is now doing fine and recovering well. We spent two days with our baby at the hospital and held her every second that we could. She got a photo-shoot of a lifetime from the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization and from family. We will add to the blog later. The funeral will be this next weekend. You may email us if you would like to know further details about the funeral.

Preparations

Last week Eric and I started talking about the details of the birth. We are talking about inducing at around 37-38 weeks, unless we feel we need to wait longer. But part of us feels like we will have to induce no matter what. We feel that if my water doesn't break on its own and my cervix is not dilating then the best thing would be to induce. Babies with anencephaly don't have the hormones to say "I am ready to be born" because they don't have a brain. So my body will not recognize when it is time. We also would like the luxury of planning around her birth, unless she decided to come when she wants.

We have also started making funeral arrangements. Just working on the details. It is a very emotional thing to do. I have been playing it out in my mind how I imagine it will be. I have cried just thinking "I can't believe I am doing this." The dear lady we live with said that "It is an out of body experience." That is exactly how it feels at times.

Contractions again!

Two nights ago I started contracting at about 10 pm and they lasted all night and all morning. In the evening they were practically one after the other, so it was difficult to time them. I wondered if I would have to go to the hospital. I hadn't contracted like this in awhile. Luckily I had a doctors appointment yesterday, so I just waited until then to see if these were anything special. That morning the contractions were about 3 minutes apart. I wondered and felt like my fluid levels were probably increasing again.

We went to the doctor and I wasn't dilated at all and my belly was now measuring at 39 weeks. The doctor said that I am probably contracting because I am the size of a full term and that will make me contract more. And just because my uterus is so large, it is probably irritating and making me contract. In a way I was disappointed that the contractions weren't doing anything to help me dilate. But that is probably a good thing. Tomorrow I have another ultrasound to measure the baby's growth and to check my fluid levels. Part of me thinks that my levels have increased and that's why I have days where I contract so much.

My shrinking maternity clothes

This picture was actually taken just a few days before I went into labor, so I was about 36 weeks here.

Well I am a little over 33 weeks pregnant. It is such a feeling of accomplishment every time we hit the "new week" mark. It has been a little difficult lately. I believe I am growing and growing, and my body is not adjusting well with the growth. Sleep is getting more difficult, but we just take it day by day. My clothes are slowly shrinking:) Or maybe it's because I am getting bigger!! I have moved on to wearing Eric's t-shirts.

We are excited to be this far along but we also realize that it is getting really close to delivery day. I have so many questions that just fly through my mind all of the time. Eric says I am nesting too because I have been trying to get everything cleaned and organized. I am trying to de-clutter since our families will be coming to stay with us. And a small apartment can get messy pretty fast. I always have a list of things I would like to get done. I am sure Eric is tired of it!

This last weekend I got very little sleep. My back hurt and I was just so uncomfortable. I felt ready to go to the hospital. I wanted to go into labor. This may sound rude, but I felt ready to move on with life. I just know how hard this is going to be and I wanted to start the process. It is amazing how impatient we get when we don't feel good. My mom said, "Clarissa may need to snuggle a little longer." It was when she said that, that I realized I was being selfish. It is okay if I am uncomfortable. So I told myself to deal with it. It is only a small moment in time. I don't want to regret anything, and I want to do what's best for Clarissa. Thank goodness the Lord is in charge because if we got what we wanted all of the time, I am sure we would regret some of those things we ask for. In a way I was happy I felt the way I did, because I felt like it was preparing me for the next step we are going to take. I know the flesh is very weak and often we may not see what the Lord is trying to teach us during these times where we feel we are waiting for the inevitable.

So I am trying to prepare myself not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. I am trying to enjoy feeling Clarissa move around. Sometimes it's difficult because I have so many other thoughts on my mind trying to prepare for her death. Mixed emotions.

I have been staying as active as possible. When I say active that means doing simple household activities. Like folding laundry or unloading the dishwasher. My legs are so weak because I have been so limited. If we go to the store or mall Eric pushes me around in a wheelchair. It is quite embarrassing. But I run out of breath so fast and I immediately start contracting. So if I want to get out, that is how we do it.