more pictures

Saying Goodbye

There is so much to say and so much that has happened. I don't even know where to begin. Saturday October 16th was the day of Clarissa's funeral. I felt busy preparing for the funeral. My best friend growing up and my sister surprised me and flew in for the funeral. I am so happy they could be there. Our parents were busy at work making preparations. The day before the funeral was very difficult for me. I felt like I was emotional all day long.

But Saturday rolled around and it couldn't have been more of a beautiful day. It was bright and sunny and warm. I felt happy and at peace. We got dressed and ready for the day and the house was busy with friends and family helping. Eric and I picked up our sweet angel from the funeral home and brought her to the church along with the casket.

We held her as our family came in to see her. We said our last goodbyes and lay her in the casket. The service was perfect. The words that were said and the music was so special. We all drove to the graveside. Eric and his father carried the casket. All the men in our family sang "Be Still My Soul" at the graveside after a dedicatory prayer was said by my father.

It was more perfect than I could have asked for. We thanked our Heavenly Father for helping make this day so precious and our whole time with her just so special. I was so happy to finally lay her body to rest. I will forever be grateful for the little blessing that came to our family. She has blessed our lives, we miss her so much but are comforted to know we will see her again.

Our little Clarissa

It has been a long time since I have written. Thank you everyone for helping us through this journey. As you know our little Clarissa was born on October 7th. We were so happy to finally have her arrive. Unfortunately she did not live through labor. The labor went well, although my epidural did not work, luckily there were no complications. When the doctor broke my water lets just say we had our towels ready. What we really needed were buckets! Eric and I figured I had around 2.5 gallons of water. Crazy! What a relief though. My belly shrunk down to a little bump. Clarissa weighed 3 lb 11 0z.

Both of our mothers were there during the labor. They were a great support and strength to us both. After Clarissa was born our families came in to see her. Maveric was not very shy and came right over to her to love her and give her kisses. We had wonderful nurses there helping us through it all. They stayed longer than their shifts so they could be there to help us. Thank you! We will never forget you.

Ashley from Knollmeyer photography came to take photos of our baby girl. Amy, our photographer who did our belly pictures and owner of Knollmeyer photography was out of town and not able to be there. We were sad but Clarissa decided to come early. We were so glad Ashley was there! We have such beautiful pictures to cherish forever thanks to them. We love you guys! Ashley was there taking pictures for a long time. Tami our tech stayed to take pictures as well with our camera. She helped Eric get her dressed for her little photoshoot. We had several outfits for her. Grandma says she had the photoshoot of a lifetime. And she was right.

Grammi drove up to see her too. We had 4 generations there. So great! We had such a wonderful time with Clarissa at the hospital. We stayed with her until the evening of the 9th. We took several pictures. We held her and loved her. It was such a special time. It was very difficult to leave her at the hospital when we went home. I had a hard time that night feeling the loss of my baby. A new realization sank in that she was no longer in my belly and I didn't get to bring her home. But our time with her at the hospital was so perfect. I was grateful for that.

We Finally Meet

This is Eric writing a quick note to let all know that our sweet baby girl was born on Thursday, October 7th at 7:56pm. She weighed 3lb 11oz and is 15 inches long. We had a doctors appointment on Thursday morning and when the doctor saw Rachel he knew that she was going to have the baby that day. He sent us over to labor and delivery to get put on the monitors so they could follow the contractions. The contractions were consistent enough to be considered in labor. The babies head was in position and they decided to break the water. Family drove up to be there and Rachel was progressing very well. Rachel did amazing and Clarissa was born. Unfortunately she was not able to make it through the labor and was stillborn. It was a very emotional and special time to finally meet her and hold her.

Rachel is now doing fine and recovering well. We spent two days with our baby at the hospital and held her every second that we could. She got a photo-shoot of a lifetime from the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization and from family. We will add to the blog later. The funeral will be this next weekend. You may email us if you would like to know further details about the funeral.

Preparations

Last week Eric and I started talking about the details of the birth. We are talking about inducing at around 37-38 weeks, unless we feel we need to wait longer. But part of us feels like we will have to induce no matter what. We feel that if my water doesn't break on its own and my cervix is not dilating then the best thing would be to induce. Babies with anencephaly don't have the hormones to say "I am ready to be born" because they don't have a brain. So my body will not recognize when it is time. We also would like the luxury of planning around her birth, unless she decided to come when she wants.

We have also started making funeral arrangements. Just working on the details. It is a very emotional thing to do. I have been playing it out in my mind how I imagine it will be. I have cried just thinking "I can't believe I am doing this." The dear lady we live with said that "It is an out of body experience." That is exactly how it feels at times.

Contractions again!

Two nights ago I started contracting at about 10 pm and they lasted all night and all morning. In the evening they were practically one after the other, so it was difficult to time them. I wondered if I would have to go to the hospital. I hadn't contracted like this in awhile. Luckily I had a doctors appointment yesterday, so I just waited until then to see if these were anything special. That morning the contractions were about 3 minutes apart. I wondered and felt like my fluid levels were probably increasing again.

We went to the doctor and I wasn't dilated at all and my belly was now measuring at 39 weeks. The doctor said that I am probably contracting because I am the size of a full term and that will make me contract more. And just because my uterus is so large, it is probably irritating and making me contract. In a way I was disappointed that the contractions weren't doing anything to help me dilate. But that is probably a good thing. Tomorrow I have another ultrasound to measure the baby's growth and to check my fluid levels. Part of me thinks that my levels have increased and that's why I have days where I contract so much.

My shrinking maternity clothes

This picture was actually taken just a few days before I went into labor, so I was about 36 weeks here.

Well I am a little over 33 weeks pregnant. It is such a feeling of accomplishment every time we hit the "new week" mark. It has been a little difficult lately. I believe I am growing and growing, and my body is not adjusting well with the growth. Sleep is getting more difficult, but we just take it day by day. My clothes are slowly shrinking:) Or maybe it's because I am getting bigger!! I have moved on to wearing Eric's t-shirts.

We are excited to be this far along but we also realize that it is getting really close to delivery day. I have so many questions that just fly through my mind all of the time. Eric says I am nesting too because I have been trying to get everything cleaned and organized. I am trying to de-clutter since our families will be coming to stay with us. And a small apartment can get messy pretty fast. I always have a list of things I would like to get done. I am sure Eric is tired of it!

This last weekend I got very little sleep. My back hurt and I was just so uncomfortable. I felt ready to go to the hospital. I wanted to go into labor. This may sound rude, but I felt ready to move on with life. I just know how hard this is going to be and I wanted to start the process. It is amazing how impatient we get when we don't feel good. My mom said, "Clarissa may need to snuggle a little longer." It was when she said that, that I realized I was being selfish. It is okay if I am uncomfortable. So I told myself to deal with it. It is only a small moment in time. I don't want to regret anything, and I want to do what's best for Clarissa. Thank goodness the Lord is in charge because if we got what we wanted all of the time, I am sure we would regret some of those things we ask for. In a way I was happy I felt the way I did, because I felt like it was preparing me for the next step we are going to take. I know the flesh is very weak and often we may not see what the Lord is trying to teach us during these times where we feel we are waiting for the inevitable.

So I am trying to prepare myself not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. I am trying to enjoy feeling Clarissa move around. Sometimes it's difficult because I have so many other thoughts on my mind trying to prepare for her death. Mixed emotions.

I have been staying as active as possible. When I say active that means doing simple household activities. Like folding laundry or unloading the dishwasher. My legs are so weak because I have been so limited. If we go to the store or mall Eric pushes me around in a wheelchair. It is quite embarrassing. But I run out of breath so fast and I immediately start contracting. So if I want to get out, that is how we do it.

A wonderful Husband

I do have to write a little something about my husband. I write about all the things going on with this pregnancy, but there is always something going on behind the scenes. I do have to say how wonderful my husband has been through all of this. He does EVERYTHING around this house, plus school and work. He is a wonderful cook, and makes dinner every night for Maveric and I. He does at least a load of dishes every single day, and does laundry plus keeps up with the regular house work. Because we all know a 2 year old can destroy a house in 5 minutes:)

He doesn't complain when I wake him up at 3 in the morning to get me Tylenol and rub my back. He does the grocery shopping and does whatever I ask him. It has broken my heart watching him do all this for me. It has been so hard. As soon as he hits the pillow he is out! I have broke down in tears knowing that this has been physically hard on him as well. But he is the energizer bunny and never quits. He is the biggest blessing in my life and I could never go through this without him. Eric is a wonderful husband and father. And is pretty patient considering how needy I am:)

He has done this now for about a year. I did have a miscarriage at the beginning of the year and of course had morning sickness with little Clarissa. It has been a long road for him too. We figure this has been a trying year for us. But he is such a blessing through this. I am grateful for a strong family and a testimony of our Savior's Atonement. The Lord knows what we go through and will be there. This is part of life, to be tested. Eric has been strong and faithful during this time. Will we still be faithful through our trials?

I believe this is how families stick together, by serving each other, and not letting everything be a competition. Eric has been a great example of service to Maveric, Clarissa and I. He is a great strength in our family. I love you honey.

Almost 31 weeks! Yahoo!

In just a couple of days I will be 31 weeks. I will be officially going into my 8th month of pregnancy! I am very excited we have hung on this far. I feel really good. My contractions have slowed down quite a bit. I do sit and lay on the couch a lot. Maveric and I watch lots of movies.

I had a few nights of hardly any sleep, but I have been experimenting with pillows and finally figured out a combination of a few pillows that makes me, my back, and belly comfortable. This is a great accomplishment! I said a little prayer and thanked Heavenly Father because I woke up this morning without a hint of back pain. Life is better when you can sleep.

I feel great and feel like we might be able to go on further with this pregnancy. I am so happy. I feel like I will get to carry her longer than I thought. My goal was to make it to 32 weeks before my water broke because I have had so many contractions. But I think I can make it farther than that which would be wonderful. I want her to fit into the little dresses we got for her:)

I have adjusted to the fluid levels, unless little Clarissa has decided to drink some of it. Which I have asked her to do on several occasions! So until the next increase of fluid comes, I am glad we can keep our little girl longer, and I can be more comfortable. So thank you for your prayers too:)

What a blessing it is that we have ultrasounds. I am grateful that I can prepare for all of this. How hard it would be to find out at birth.

I thought she might come early

About a week ago I had a pretty tough few days. I started having some intense contractions, not so much painful but strong without any breaks in between. We left church early because of my contractions. I play the piano in primary and was not able to continue to do so because it causes me to contract more. So I am taking a break from the piano until everything is over. As I walked away from the primary room, it hit me that things were getting harder for me and that the day we have been waiting for was getting closer. I got a little emotional. I had a couple of phone calls from good friends that offered to do anything for me that I needed. And it made me more emotional because I knew I would need their help. I knew that physically I was becoming more limited. It touches me those who step forward to help out in times like these. It is a blessing.

My contractions continued. The next day my friend Liz brought her kids over to play with Maveric which is very nice. It gives Maveric a little more activity and physical exertion! Maveric and I took naps later that day and I woke up with pretty strong contractions. They just weren't giving up. I tried to rest, I was drinking lots of water and doing what I could to calm them down. I was so worried that this was it. I was so frustrated because I knew that all I could do was wait for my water to break or for my contractions to get so strong that I was technically in labor. I was very emotional about everything, thinking about having Clarissa early and what that meant. Imagining how everything was going to be.

That night I was awake with some more contractions that were more painful. I thought this might be the beginning of labor. I timed them, but they weren't consistent. I waited them out and soon after 2 hours they let up enough that I was able to go to sleep. The next day was Monday, so I called my doctor to move up my appointment just to check everything out. So Tuesday I went in. I was about 29 weeks now.

The doctor measured my belly which now measured at 36 weeks. This was only 12 days since my last appointment, where I measured at 33 weeks. We told him about everything going on. He scheduled me for an ultrasound the next day because he really wanted to check my fluid levels again.

So the next day we had the ultrasound. My amniotic fluid then measured at 41 cm. It was 35 cm the last ultrasound 12 days ago. I figured this was why I had such a hard few days. We talked to my doctor afterwards about all our options. We talked about doing an amniocentesis where they draw fluid out of your belly about 2 liters at a time. We talked about the risks of that. We decided we wanted to wait until I am further along to do the amnio. Taking off the fluid usually gives you comfort for a few days up to a week. I was not dilated at all, so I felt more comfortable that these contractions were not affecting my cervix. Anywho...Eric and I had more information to be able to make confident decisions. We discussed our concerns.

So I waited for a few days to see if I would continue to have these intense contractions, I felt were from the sudden accumulation of the amniotic fluid. We prayed that I would be able to deal with my discomfort and have some relief. Eric and I packed for the hospital too, to be sure that we were prepared.

I had so many questions and concerns. I know the Lord will guide me as choices have to be made. I had a hard time feeling like Clarissa was going to come early. I felt like 'what was the point of carrying her this far if we have to induce or if she were to come early.' Why did I have to do this when a couple of months ago I had the choice of having an abortion. My mom said it simply "It is because it wasn't right to do that." I thought about it some more. I have built a relationship with Clarissa although she is not born. I have felt her and carried her and have done things for her. And if that is all I can do anymore then it was all worth it. I want to meet my baby girl. I want her to have a body although it is not perfect. I don't want to give up having the opportunity to serve a little angel. She has been a blessing in our lives so far. And I know she will be a blessing always to our family. I love her and nothing can change that. If I have to be uncomfortable for a little while I will do it. None of that matters in the end. I know when I see her, it will all be worth it and I would do it again for her.

28 week doctors appointment

Mark and Christy came over to watch Maveric while Eric and I went to my 28 week doctors appointment August 12th. They did an ultrasound to measure growth of the baby and to measure my amniotic fluid levels. I was very curious to see pictures of Clarissa and to see if my fluids levels were high.

First we went into the ultrasound. As the nurse was starting the ultrasound she was immediately looking for the baby's head. She said she was having trouble finding it. I asked her "Now you know this baby has anencephaly, right?" She said " I did not know that, that explains a few concerns." She probably thought it was a routine ultrasound and didn't read my chart closely. So we carried on with the ultrasound. Eric and I asking lots of questions and making several comments regarding Clarissa. The nurse was very nice, and was actually the same lady that did our first ultrasound, when we found out about Clarissa's condition.

Well I must say that Clarissa looked very cute this time. Last time she didn't have a lot of fat to her, so her head looked very skeletal. But this time she had little chubby cheeks. I was thrilled! I have been praying for a little something that may be insignificant but important to me. I have been praying that although Clarissa will not have the top of her head, that her little face will be beautiful. I know she will be beautiful no matter what to me. But I wanted her face to be pure and pretty. So I was very happy to see her chubby cheeks, although she probably only weighs 1-2 pounds! She kicked around a lot, so we had to wait a few times for her to calm down so that we could measure her little body and measure her heart rate. 150 bpm perfect! She is growing according to how far along I am, give or take a few days. That was reassuring.

As for my amniotic fluid levels. They measure this in units of cm. The normal levels are between 12-22 cm. My levels are already at about 35cm. This explains the moments of feeling like I can't catch my breath, and just being real uncomfortable. Pregnancy is uncomfortable anyway but it has just seemed a different uncomfortable this time. The doctor asked about my breathing and I told him that I just have moments where I have to pause because I feel like I can't catch my breath. My belly was measuring at about 33 weeks rather than 28 weeks. We are not sure how fast the fluid will accumulate, we will just play it by ear. He thinks that my water could just spontaneously break, and if it doesn't we can just see how my comfort level is and my breathing is before we move on to other options. So we will see.

Some days I feel very immobile. My belly is feeling a lot bigger and looking that way. It feels very heavy at times. But Clarissa definitely has a very large swimming pool to move around in!

Blankets

At the same time we worked on the casket lining, we also made some blankets. We wanted few to choose from when we take pictures at the hospital and of course one to go with every outfit:) We made 2 plush blankets, one pink and one ivory. And then we made a cotton ivory blanket to match the blessing dress. Diana added some lace to one corner. I hand stitched the edges and put on a few embellishments. Some roses and little bows. I wanted to add a few pictures of this.

Our baby's bed

Another trip to visit the family. Eric went to Denver for a convention for school. I got to spend another week with our families. It was the week of July 18th, 2010. I was growing increasingly more uncomfortable and bigger:) I acted like I was 9 months pregnant. I would have to stop and take breaths from doing simple things like changing Maveric's clothes or just walking down the hall. I just relaxed frequently and took several breaks from the everyday activities. Lets just say I watch a lot of movies:)

We had lots of fun this week. My sisters and cousin played in the baby pool and slip'n'slide with Maveric. They had a blast! One day we had a girls night plus Maveric, and Granni let us each get our own pint of bluebell ice cream! Yummy!! That was so fun! So it was a relaxing week.

We went to Eric's family's house for a few nights too. And we worked on Clarissa's casket. Eric's mom, being the amazing seamstress she is, was going to make the lining for the casket. She got an ivory satin to use. It looks beautiful. We scrunched the material and used it for the sides. We used soft padding for the bottom and sides. We made her a really cushy bed to lay on.

A funny story about the bed was, we used a piece of poster board to give some stability for the fabric to be attached to. If that makes sense. We lay the cushion on top of the poster and then used the fabric to cover it all. (Yes that is our little secret, we used a piece of poster board:) The funny part is, Diana brought in a piece of used poster board. And she said, well this is all I have, is it ok if we use this, I said no problem. She said "ok, because the poster board says 'Spring into action sharing the gospel!', I guess Clarissa will be springing into action sharing the gospel."I thought that was just perfect for her little bed! I am sure that is what she will be doing in the spirit world! Sharing the gospel:) We had a good time working on it. When she was about finished with the lining, she asked me if I wanted a pillow. I told her yes I do, and I kind of laughed, because sometimes i think the things I want aren't necessarily for Clarissa, they are more for me. Not that she needs a pillow but I want her to have it:) After she made the little pillow she layed it down in the bed. It was just precious. She started to cry and said "Okay, now it's perfect." I leaned over the counter and said "Did you ever think you would be doing this?" She said "No way, and what a blessing it is for Eric to have been able to make this for her. Who would have thought that when he learned carpentry that he would be able to do this for his little girl."

I was so happy that our little treasure chest was complete. It was a relief to me, just something else prepared for when she comes.

Little Dresses

Mid July. While I was visiting the family, my mom, Eric's mom and I went to find Clarissa a couple of outfits. I wanted to be prepared for when she came. I wanted a hospital outfit, a blessing dress, and a burial outfit. We went to several places. While we drove to shop, I felt pretty anxious about what we were going to do. It made me nervous too. We ended up finding one shop that had what we wanted.

This shop had a pretty good selection of preemie clothes. They were beautiful. I found one outfit that is all white. Pants and shirt. It has white, darling lace around the ankles and waist. With 3 little white bows down the shirt. Just so sweet. I loved it and wanted that for the hospital. Mom wanted to get it for me. We found cute little white booties to go with it. (Those are the booties in the belly pics above) We finally found a blessing dress too. It is an ivory/cream colored dress with lace for the dress part. Sorry I am not very good with describing. The dress and the little white outfit are in some of the pics displayed as well. I loved the dress because it was so simple but beautiful. It was perfect. Eric's mom wanted to get the blessing dress for us. It was nice to have something for Clarissa from each Granni, and Grandma. Then for the burial outfit. I imagined I would want something white, but when I got to the store I wanted something with some color for her to be buried in. I found a pink pant and shirt set with ivory lace on the bodice. Very pretty. But I am actually taking it back because I feel it will be too big. I think she will be pretty tiny. I bought the burial outfit for her.

This shopping trip was very hard, and emotionally draining. I tried to enjoy it at first. But when we left I started to feel sad and overwhelmed. I broke down in tears in the parking lot. Then of course that gave permission for Mom and Diana to break down as well. I just had been holding it in that whole time and finally couldn't do it anymore. So we all sat in the car for a moment and cried. Look what I started. It was a special moment I will never forget. I love my moms:) They have been a great strength during this time.

So this was a big day. Finding the clothes that she will wear for a short time. Something tangible for me have forever. Small things that help a mother remember her baby.

Eric's Thoughts

August 3, 2010

It seems like the more that I think about not thinking about what will happen just makes me ponder more about Clarissa and how much she already means to Rachel and I. It is very confusing, and hard to believe that the little baby in Rachel’s belly will not survive much after birth. It is fun to sit on the couch and just watch as she moves around and kicks Rachel. She really is just like Maveric; that is how he was. How can something so alive not survive after birth? I am afraid it hasn’t quite hit me yet. I am very worried about Rachel and how she will handle all of this and how Maveric will handle having a sad mommy for a while. He is such a blessing and always makes us laugh and happy. When we cry he just says, “OK Mommy, Ok Daddy…. Yes son we are OK”. Rachel is truly an amazing person and I am so blessed to have such a strong wife. Sometimes at night we just lay and think about everything and cry together. I think that is good for us but how do you plan for something like this? I don’t know that you can ever plan and be completely ready, but I know that if we just rely on the Lord, He will help us get through it all.

Well a couple of weeks ago, Rachel wanted to go see her family since she had not seen them since we had found out about all of this. I think that it was really good for her to be able to see her mom and dad and just be comforted by all of them. While she and Maveric were gone, I was able to start a project that I had been worried about and not sure how I was going to handle it. I remember that I would always joke around about how I wanted all boys but deep down the thought of a little girl in pink pigtails running up to me and saying, “daddy” melted my heart, just like it does when Maveric comes running to me, “Daddy Home”, he says. I can just imagine two little pairs of feet running to me and hanging on each leg. I would imagine being able to play with her like I do Maveric. Dads I guess always think about the time they are able to see their sweet daughter married. I hear a good song on the radio and think to myself, “that would be a good song for the father-daughter dance”. And the list goes on and on of the things that I would once think about being able to do with my little daughter.

So now what do I get to think about or look forward too? I tried to think about all the possible things that I could do for little Clarissa. The first thing that I thought of was that I will be able to give her a name and a blessing. What a wonderful opportunity that will be. Having her all bundled up in her blessing outfit that we have and holding her in my arms to bless her will be such a joy in my life and a beautiful experience. Kind of opposite of exciting another thing that I can do for her is carry the casket to the grave site. I guess that goes along with the dream that I had and since the last time that I wrote we have found a grave site and it is in Stella, MO off of a paved road. There are a lot of trees and rolling hills in the cemetery so it is beautiful.

The final and probably one of the most emotional yet therapeutic things that I did for Clarissa is I built her casket. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life. While some fathers build their daughters a hope chest, I built a casket for mine. It took me many long hours and even more tears. Some might think it is crazy that I built the casket but I wanted to be able to do something for her and have something beautiful that came from the heart. It turned out amazing. I made it out of red oak which I painted with Ivory color and put leaf trim on the lid and accent painted all the edges pink. I say it was therapeutic because it helped me to not feel AS hopeless, or out of control and helped me stop just sitting around thinking of what I could do. I tried not to focus on what the casket would be used for but I tried to think about how I was doing something special for my daughter.

A little treasure chest

One day Eric told me that he wanted to make Clarissa's casket, or treasure chest as we like to call it. When he told me this I couldn't even comprehend the idea. I couldn't hardly stand the thought of it. Or maybe the thought that we actually had to do this. I knew that Eric really wanted to do this for his little girl, and I eventually was able to swallow this thought. So sometime around mid-June we went to Lowes and picked out some nice oak for her casket. Eric is a skilled carpenter and I didn't doubt that he would make it beautiful.

Eric worked on the casket while I was away visiting my family. When he came back into town to pick me up, I followed him out to the car, and there was our little treasure chest. I was surprised I had no idea that he was doing this while I was gone, and of course I broke down in tears. It was beautiful bare wood with a simple leaf trim. He showed my family, and they were speechless. Where do you find words when a father is making a casket for his little baby. I knew that Eric needed to do this and I know it was probably very difficult for him to do.

About a week later, Eric worked day and night painting the casket. He wanted it to be perfect. We talked about what we wanted and how we wanted it to look. I picked an ivory color and then we picked out a pink to give it some color around the edges. We added a few details, and flowers. Eric painted the leaf vine with a gold color. It was amazing.

My 2nd Ultrasound

June 23rd. We dropped Maveric off at a friends house while Eric and I went to my 2nd ultrasound appointment. I was extremely nervous. I had so many mixed feelings. I felt that if the Lord was going to work a miracle, I would know at this appointment. I can't exactly explain why I felt that way. I just knew that if everything was how it was last time, then I needed to get into action and start planning for her funeral.

The nurse took the ultrasound and measured everything but the head first, of course, which made me even more anxious. Once she said my fluid level was a little high, I knew that my little girl was the same little girl we saw on the last ultrasound. Then we finally saw her little face and head. I was crushed. I felt like it hit me all over again. I was a little emotional and tried to hide it. Eric held my hand as they finished the ultrasound. I felt like I was weighted down with the news that our little girl was going to die. It was hard to hear it all over again. I don't think I expected a miracle but maybe hoped for one. The next couple of days were a little emotional but we got through them. The following week Maveric and I went to see my family.

Just some thoughts

Well it's been awhile since I have written anything. Eric, Maveric and I are doing just fine. I was so glad to read your posts. Thank you for that. I am new at this blogging thing, I know it's sad, but hang in there with me! We are in the process of hopefully getting some pictures up too.

I am about 27 weeks pregnant now and definitely feeling it! I am extremely uncomfortable all ready, and I have three more months to go...ahhh! I can do it. Next week they will be doing an amniotic fluid test just to see how much fluid I have accumulated. I don't know if I have written already, but polyhydramnios is common with anencephaly babies because they don't swallow the fluid like a normal baby would, so therefore more amniotic fluid builds up. This may be why I am so uncomfortable already, but having a 2 year old to chase around could be the reason too:)

So much has happened in the last few months, but I will probably back track a little to keep up in chronological order.

Well it's been an emotional roller coaster since we found out. We started thinking about funeral arrangements. I felt really guilty about planning her funeral when she was kicking around in my belly. I thought it wasn't fair. But I knew I had to be prepared. My parents told me "there is nothing wrong with being prepared." So I started thinking of things I needed and wanted to do for Clarissa.

Another question I had in my mind was can I ask for a miracle? I knew I could but I didn't feel like it was right. I had felt the whole time that our little girl was coming here to get a body. The night we found out I did pray and ask the Lord to give her a brain if that was his will, but that I understood and knew that He was still a God of miracles even if she didn't live. Eric and I have felt at peace about our little girls condition. We are relying on the Lord, and what a blessing it is to know the He is by our side during this time. I read a scripture in Doctrine &Covenants 42:48
"It shall come to pass that he that hath faith in me to be healed, and is not appointed unto death, shall be healed."

We picked out her name

We decided on her name just 3 days after the news. Clarissa Belle! We have liked the name Clarissa for awhile and felt like this suited her well. And I love the name Belle. Clarissa means 'Brilliant and Intelligence" which was a little ironic since she does not have a little brain, but I still feel her spirit is intelligence. So I didn't have a problem with this:) We felt like we needed to pick out a name quickly, first so that we could talk to her and refer to her name rather than "the baby", we also felt that we needed to do this quickly in case she passed away sooner than later.

It took me a little bit to get used to calling her by name but soon her name has grown on me.

It is amazing the emotions that you go through when experiencing something like this. Eric and I have both felt very peaceful in the beginning and so far. We have felt close to the Lord during this. He has made us feel the comfort of knowing that we will get to see our little girl again one day. This has made the process more bearable. Still there are times that are hard, preparing for the baby you are going to have, to pass on. I have had moments of guilt, feeling that it was somehow my fault. Moments of disbelief, and frustration. Feeling like I didn't want to do this, as if I had any control over the situation. But thankfully the Lord has been with us, Eric and I have each other. And Maveric is such a blessing, we can love and hold him and he is our comic relief for sure! We both have wonderful friends and family to rely on. I know this is another experience that will just bring us closer to one another. At times I feel very happy and I know it is because of my knowledge and testimony of the gospel. I feel we are and will get to experience the Lord's plan for us with such a close look.

The Beginning

Eric and I have decided to start this blog especially for our little girl. I have been wanting to write this blog for awhile but just now have felt up to the task. We want our friends and family to be able to know what is going on in our lives especially as we progress through this pregnancy. Plus this will be somewhat therapeutic for me as well. It has been a journey thus far and there is still more to come. I am 23 weeks pregnant now. Many of you may or may not know about our baby's anomaly. She has been diagnosed with a neural tube defect called anencephaly. Babies with anencephaly usually do not live for very long once they are born, that is if they survive labor. Perhaps a few minutes up to a few days. Let me start from the beginning...

It all started on May 20, 2o10. Eric, Maveric (our 2 yr old son) and I went to my 1st ultrasound which happened to be my first doctors appointment with this pregnancy. I was about 15 weeks at the time. The night before I wasn't as excited as I thought I would be. I commented to Eric "I hope everything is ok." He reassured me and said everything would be fine.

The next morning we walked into the ultrasound room. As the nurse did the ultrasound I lay there not exactly sure how to feel. We saw our little baby on the screen. The legs, arms, and spine. I think I was waiting for the words "The baby looks great and is growing well." But as the nurse measured the body and heart rate she started to search for the baby's head. She said "I am having trouble finding the top of the baby's head." I knew something was wrong. I immediately thought of anencephaly (which means without the brain), I remembered learning this in nursing school and I couldn't get it out of my mind. She took several pictures and said to us "I'll be right back I am going to go give this information to the doctor." When she left I told Eric that something was wrong because she was having trouble finding the head. The doctor and the nurse came back shortly. The doctor said that he believed that the baby may have some kind of spina bifida and that he was going to refer me to a specialist. He was very kind and told us he was sorry but wanted to be sure and have us see the perinatologist. He left the room and the nurse stayed with us until he called the perinatologist. I asked the nurse if the problem could be anencephaly. She said yes. I started to cry. Eric sat patiently with Maveric waiting for the next step. We were able to see the specialist that morning, which I felt was a blessing, otherwise I think I would have gone crazy not knowing everything. As we drove to the specialist's office Eric and I were in some sort of shock but we also felt calm. We sat in the car and cried for a few moments. And Maveric asked us several times "you ok? Mommy, daddy ok?" We answered "Yes we are ok" and tried to smile for him.

So again we were in another ultrasound room. The perinatologist started the ultrasound while the nurse took my history and assessment. When she finished we sat and talked and she confirmed that our baby did have anencephaly. I remembered learning about this in nursing school and seeing pictures of babies with this. The pictures can be somewhat disturbing and heartbreaking. I was grateful that I knew what to expect and knew what anencephaly meant. The doctor explained what this was and what our options were.

Anencephaly is a neural tube defect, and most severe case because it is a terminal defect. Anencephaly is when the baby is born without brain tissue, usually the cerebral hemispheres and forebrain are missing. The scull and scalp do not form which makes the babys head flat. There will be a thin membrane to protect any tissue in her head. They have a brain stem which allows them to have the necessities to live in the womb but cannot funtion very long if they live through pregnancy and birth. There are several statistics of how many women have babies with this. Also when you take folic acid this will decrease your chances but does not eliminate the chance of having an infant with anencephaly.

We asked several questions. We are not sure how long I will carry the baby, but usually these pregnancies are treated like a normal pregnancy. I could go into preterm labor but there is a pretty good chance I will go to term. Also a normal baby drinks the amniotic fluid while it is in utero, but these babies don't know to do this, so I will accumulate more amniotic fluid (polyhydramnios). This could cause me to be extremely uncomfortable as I come closer to term and i will get a little bigger than usual. It shouldn't cause too many complications, but that is one thing they will keep an eye on.

The doctor told us that if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy that it was an option. But I told her that since there was no risk to me carrying the baby that I did not want to do that and I wanted to carry her as long as possible. We also found out that our baby was a girl at this ultrasound. She explained some factors of why this could happen but that it really is unknown.

Eric and I cried off and on all day. We finally got the courage to call our parents. They were upset with the news as well as in shock. We cried back and forth to each other. When Eric and I talked to each other that day, we thought of all the different ways that our little girl would pass. We thought that it would be best if she passed away in utero, we thought it would be easier for us. But as we read blogs of parents that have gone through the same thing, many of them were able to meet there little babies, even if it was for a few minutes. Now we pray everyday that she will continue to grow so that we can meet our little girl before she goes to join Heavenly Father.

We want to enjoy this time with her and celebrate the fact that she is still part of our family. She kicks constantly to let us know she is there. We love her and know that there is a little spirit attached to her little body. Many people have asked us why we would continue this pregnancy. And we feel that her spirit is here to recieve her body although it is not perfect. We bleieve this is one of the reasons we come to this earth, to gain a body.