Eric's Thoughts

August 3, 2010

It seems like the more that I think about not thinking about what will happen just makes me ponder more about Clarissa and how much she already means to Rachel and I. It is very confusing, and hard to believe that the little baby in Rachel’s belly will not survive much after birth. It is fun to sit on the couch and just watch as she moves around and kicks Rachel. She really is just like Maveric; that is how he was. How can something so alive not survive after birth? I am afraid it hasn’t quite hit me yet. I am very worried about Rachel and how she will handle all of this and how Maveric will handle having a sad mommy for a while. He is such a blessing and always makes us laugh and happy. When we cry he just says, “OK Mommy, Ok Daddy…. Yes son we are OK”. Rachel is truly an amazing person and I am so blessed to have such a strong wife. Sometimes at night we just lay and think about everything and cry together. I think that is good for us but how do you plan for something like this? I don’t know that you can ever plan and be completely ready, but I know that if we just rely on the Lord, He will help us get through it all.

Well a couple of weeks ago, Rachel wanted to go see her family since she had not seen them since we had found out about all of this. I think that it was really good for her to be able to see her mom and dad and just be comforted by all of them. While she and Maveric were gone, I was able to start a project that I had been worried about and not sure how I was going to handle it. I remember that I would always joke around about how I wanted all boys but deep down the thought of a little girl in pink pigtails running up to me and saying, “daddy” melted my heart, just like it does when Maveric comes running to me, “Daddy Home”, he says. I can just imagine two little pairs of feet running to me and hanging on each leg. I would imagine being able to play with her like I do Maveric. Dads I guess always think about the time they are able to see their sweet daughter married. I hear a good song on the radio and think to myself, “that would be a good song for the father-daughter dance”. And the list goes on and on of the things that I would once think about being able to do with my little daughter.

So now what do I get to think about or look forward too? I tried to think about all the possible things that I could do for little Clarissa. The first thing that I thought of was that I will be able to give her a name and a blessing. What a wonderful opportunity that will be. Having her all bundled up in her blessing outfit that we have and holding her in my arms to bless her will be such a joy in my life and a beautiful experience. Kind of opposite of exciting another thing that I can do for her is carry the casket to the grave site. I guess that goes along with the dream that I had and since the last time that I wrote we have found a grave site and it is in Stella, MO off of a paved road. There are a lot of trees and rolling hills in the cemetery so it is beautiful.

The final and probably one of the most emotional yet therapeutic things that I did for Clarissa is I built her casket. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life. While some fathers build their daughters a hope chest, I built a casket for mine. It took me many long hours and even more tears. Some might think it is crazy that I built the casket but I wanted to be able to do something for her and have something beautiful that came from the heart. It turned out amazing. I made it out of red oak which I painted with Ivory color and put leaf trim on the lid and accent painted all the edges pink. I say it was therapeutic because it helped me to not feel AS hopeless, or out of control and helped me stop just sitting around thinking of what I could do. I tried not to focus on what the casket would be used for but I tried to think about how I was doing something special for my daughter.