Blankets

At the same time we worked on the casket lining, we also made some blankets. We wanted few to choose from when we take pictures at the hospital and of course one to go with every outfit:) We made 2 plush blankets, one pink and one ivory. And then we made a cotton ivory blanket to match the blessing dress. Diana added some lace to one corner. I hand stitched the edges and put on a few embellishments. Some roses and little bows. I wanted to add a few pictures of this.

Our baby's bed

Another trip to visit the family. Eric went to Denver for a convention for school. I got to spend another week with our families. It was the week of July 18th, 2010. I was growing increasingly more uncomfortable and bigger:) I acted like I was 9 months pregnant. I would have to stop and take breaths from doing simple things like changing Maveric's clothes or just walking down the hall. I just relaxed frequently and took several breaks from the everyday activities. Lets just say I watch a lot of movies:)

We had lots of fun this week. My sisters and cousin played in the baby pool and slip'n'slide with Maveric. They had a blast! One day we had a girls night plus Maveric, and Granni let us each get our own pint of bluebell ice cream! Yummy!! That was so fun! So it was a relaxing week.

We went to Eric's family's house for a few nights too. And we worked on Clarissa's casket. Eric's mom, being the amazing seamstress she is, was going to make the lining for the casket. She got an ivory satin to use. It looks beautiful. We scrunched the material and used it for the sides. We used soft padding for the bottom and sides. We made her a really cushy bed to lay on.

A funny story about the bed was, we used a piece of poster board to give some stability for the fabric to be attached to. If that makes sense. We lay the cushion on top of the poster and then used the fabric to cover it all. (Yes that is our little secret, we used a piece of poster board:) The funny part is, Diana brought in a piece of used poster board. And she said, well this is all I have, is it ok if we use this, I said no problem. She said "ok, because the poster board says 'Spring into action sharing the gospel!', I guess Clarissa will be springing into action sharing the gospel."I thought that was just perfect for her little bed! I am sure that is what she will be doing in the spirit world! Sharing the gospel:) We had a good time working on it. When she was about finished with the lining, she asked me if I wanted a pillow. I told her yes I do, and I kind of laughed, because sometimes i think the things I want aren't necessarily for Clarissa, they are more for me. Not that she needs a pillow but I want her to have it:) After she made the little pillow she layed it down in the bed. It was just precious. She started to cry and said "Okay, now it's perfect." I leaned over the counter and said "Did you ever think you would be doing this?" She said "No way, and what a blessing it is for Eric to have been able to make this for her. Who would have thought that when he learned carpentry that he would be able to do this for his little girl."

I was so happy that our little treasure chest was complete. It was a relief to me, just something else prepared for when she comes.

Little Dresses

Mid July. While I was visiting the family, my mom, Eric's mom and I went to find Clarissa a couple of outfits. I wanted to be prepared for when she came. I wanted a hospital outfit, a blessing dress, and a burial outfit. We went to several places. While we drove to shop, I felt pretty anxious about what we were going to do. It made me nervous too. We ended up finding one shop that had what we wanted.

This shop had a pretty good selection of preemie clothes. They were beautiful. I found one outfit that is all white. Pants and shirt. It has white, darling lace around the ankles and waist. With 3 little white bows down the shirt. Just so sweet. I loved it and wanted that for the hospital. Mom wanted to get it for me. We found cute little white booties to go with it. (Those are the booties in the belly pics above) We finally found a blessing dress too. It is an ivory/cream colored dress with lace for the dress part. Sorry I am not very good with describing. The dress and the little white outfit are in some of the pics displayed as well. I loved the dress because it was so simple but beautiful. It was perfect. Eric's mom wanted to get the blessing dress for us. It was nice to have something for Clarissa from each Granni, and Grandma. Then for the burial outfit. I imagined I would want something white, but when I got to the store I wanted something with some color for her to be buried in. I found a pink pant and shirt set with ivory lace on the bodice. Very pretty. But I am actually taking it back because I feel it will be too big. I think she will be pretty tiny. I bought the burial outfit for her.

This shopping trip was very hard, and emotionally draining. I tried to enjoy it at first. But when we left I started to feel sad and overwhelmed. I broke down in tears in the parking lot. Then of course that gave permission for Mom and Diana to break down as well. I just had been holding it in that whole time and finally couldn't do it anymore. So we all sat in the car for a moment and cried. Look what I started. It was a special moment I will never forget. I love my moms:) They have been a great strength during this time.

So this was a big day. Finding the clothes that she will wear for a short time. Something tangible for me have forever. Small things that help a mother remember her baby.

Eric's Thoughts

August 3, 2010

It seems like the more that I think about not thinking about what will happen just makes me ponder more about Clarissa and how much she already means to Rachel and I. It is very confusing, and hard to believe that the little baby in Rachel’s belly will not survive much after birth. It is fun to sit on the couch and just watch as she moves around and kicks Rachel. She really is just like Maveric; that is how he was. How can something so alive not survive after birth? I am afraid it hasn’t quite hit me yet. I am very worried about Rachel and how she will handle all of this and how Maveric will handle having a sad mommy for a while. He is such a blessing and always makes us laugh and happy. When we cry he just says, “OK Mommy, Ok Daddy…. Yes son we are OK”. Rachel is truly an amazing person and I am so blessed to have such a strong wife. Sometimes at night we just lay and think about everything and cry together. I think that is good for us but how do you plan for something like this? I don’t know that you can ever plan and be completely ready, but I know that if we just rely on the Lord, He will help us get through it all.

Well a couple of weeks ago, Rachel wanted to go see her family since she had not seen them since we had found out about all of this. I think that it was really good for her to be able to see her mom and dad and just be comforted by all of them. While she and Maveric were gone, I was able to start a project that I had been worried about and not sure how I was going to handle it. I remember that I would always joke around about how I wanted all boys but deep down the thought of a little girl in pink pigtails running up to me and saying, “daddy” melted my heart, just like it does when Maveric comes running to me, “Daddy Home”, he says. I can just imagine two little pairs of feet running to me and hanging on each leg. I would imagine being able to play with her like I do Maveric. Dads I guess always think about the time they are able to see their sweet daughter married. I hear a good song on the radio and think to myself, “that would be a good song for the father-daughter dance”. And the list goes on and on of the things that I would once think about being able to do with my little daughter.

So now what do I get to think about or look forward too? I tried to think about all the possible things that I could do for little Clarissa. The first thing that I thought of was that I will be able to give her a name and a blessing. What a wonderful opportunity that will be. Having her all bundled up in her blessing outfit that we have and holding her in my arms to bless her will be such a joy in my life and a beautiful experience. Kind of opposite of exciting another thing that I can do for her is carry the casket to the grave site. I guess that goes along with the dream that I had and since the last time that I wrote we have found a grave site and it is in Stella, MO off of a paved road. There are a lot of trees and rolling hills in the cemetery so it is beautiful.

The final and probably one of the most emotional yet therapeutic things that I did for Clarissa is I built her casket. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life. While some fathers build their daughters a hope chest, I built a casket for mine. It took me many long hours and even more tears. Some might think it is crazy that I built the casket but I wanted to be able to do something for her and have something beautiful that came from the heart. It turned out amazing. I made it out of red oak which I painted with Ivory color and put leaf trim on the lid and accent painted all the edges pink. I say it was therapeutic because it helped me to not feel AS hopeless, or out of control and helped me stop just sitting around thinking of what I could do. I tried not to focus on what the casket would be used for but I tried to think about how I was doing something special for my daughter.

A little treasure chest

One day Eric told me that he wanted to make Clarissa's casket, or treasure chest as we like to call it. When he told me this I couldn't even comprehend the idea. I couldn't hardly stand the thought of it. Or maybe the thought that we actually had to do this. I knew that Eric really wanted to do this for his little girl, and I eventually was able to swallow this thought. So sometime around mid-June we went to Lowes and picked out some nice oak for her casket. Eric is a skilled carpenter and I didn't doubt that he would make it beautiful.

Eric worked on the casket while I was away visiting my family. When he came back into town to pick me up, I followed him out to the car, and there was our little treasure chest. I was surprised I had no idea that he was doing this while I was gone, and of course I broke down in tears. It was beautiful bare wood with a simple leaf trim. He showed my family, and they were speechless. Where do you find words when a father is making a casket for his little baby. I knew that Eric needed to do this and I know it was probably very difficult for him to do.

About a week later, Eric worked day and night painting the casket. He wanted it to be perfect. We talked about what we wanted and how we wanted it to look. I picked an ivory color and then we picked out a pink to give it some color around the edges. We added a few details, and flowers. Eric painted the leaf vine with a gold color. It was amazing.

My 2nd Ultrasound

June 23rd. We dropped Maveric off at a friends house while Eric and I went to my 2nd ultrasound appointment. I was extremely nervous. I had so many mixed feelings. I felt that if the Lord was going to work a miracle, I would know at this appointment. I can't exactly explain why I felt that way. I just knew that if everything was how it was last time, then I needed to get into action and start planning for her funeral.

The nurse took the ultrasound and measured everything but the head first, of course, which made me even more anxious. Once she said my fluid level was a little high, I knew that my little girl was the same little girl we saw on the last ultrasound. Then we finally saw her little face and head. I was crushed. I felt like it hit me all over again. I was a little emotional and tried to hide it. Eric held my hand as they finished the ultrasound. I felt like I was weighted down with the news that our little girl was going to die. It was hard to hear it all over again. I don't think I expected a miracle but maybe hoped for one. The next couple of days were a little emotional but we got through them. The following week Maveric and I went to see my family.

Just some thoughts

Well it's been awhile since I have written anything. Eric, Maveric and I are doing just fine. I was so glad to read your posts. Thank you for that. I am new at this blogging thing, I know it's sad, but hang in there with me! We are in the process of hopefully getting some pictures up too.

I am about 27 weeks pregnant now and definitely feeling it! I am extremely uncomfortable all ready, and I have three more months to go...ahhh! I can do it. Next week they will be doing an amniotic fluid test just to see how much fluid I have accumulated. I don't know if I have written already, but polyhydramnios is common with anencephaly babies because they don't swallow the fluid like a normal baby would, so therefore more amniotic fluid builds up. This may be why I am so uncomfortable already, but having a 2 year old to chase around could be the reason too:)

So much has happened in the last few months, but I will probably back track a little to keep up in chronological order.

Well it's been an emotional roller coaster since we found out. We started thinking about funeral arrangements. I felt really guilty about planning her funeral when she was kicking around in my belly. I thought it wasn't fair. But I knew I had to be prepared. My parents told me "there is nothing wrong with being prepared." So I started thinking of things I needed and wanted to do for Clarissa.

Another question I had in my mind was can I ask for a miracle? I knew I could but I didn't feel like it was right. I had felt the whole time that our little girl was coming here to get a body. The night we found out I did pray and ask the Lord to give her a brain if that was his will, but that I understood and knew that He was still a God of miracles even if she didn't live. Eric and I have felt at peace about our little girls condition. We are relying on the Lord, and what a blessing it is to know the He is by our side during this time. I read a scripture in Doctrine &Covenants 42:48
"It shall come to pass that he that hath faith in me to be healed, and is not appointed unto death, shall be healed."