Last week Eric and I started talking about the details of the birth. We are talking about inducing at around 37-38 weeks, unless we feel we need to wait longer. But part of us feels like we will have to induce no matter what. We feel that if my water doesn't break on its own and my cervix is not dilating then the best thing would be to induce. Babies with anencephaly don't have the hormones to say "I am ready to be born" because they don't have a brain. So my body will not recognize when it is time. We also would like the luxury of planning around her birth, unless she decided to come when she wants.
We have also started making funeral arrangements. Just working on the details. It is a very emotional thing to do. I have been playing it out in my mind how I imagine it will be. I have cried just thinking "I can't believe I am doing this." The dear lady we live with said that "It is an out of body experience." That is exactly how it feels at times.
Tiny Shoes
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Contractions again!
Two nights ago I started contracting at about 10 pm and they lasted all night and all morning. In the evening they were practically one after the other, so it was difficult to time them. I wondered if I would have to go to the hospital. I hadn't contracted like this in awhile. Luckily I had a doctors appointment yesterday, so I just waited until then to see if these were anything special. That morning the contractions were about 3 minutes apart. I wondered and felt like my fluid levels were probably increasing again.
We went to the doctor and I wasn't dilated at all and my belly was now measuring at 39 weeks. The doctor said that I am probably contracting because I am the size of a full term and that will make me contract more. And just because my uterus is so large, it is probably irritating and making me contract. In a way I was disappointed that the contractions weren't doing anything to help me dilate. But that is probably a good thing. Tomorrow I have another ultrasound to measure the baby's growth and to check my fluid levels. Part of me thinks that my levels have increased and that's why I have days where I contract so much.
We went to the doctor and I wasn't dilated at all and my belly was now measuring at 39 weeks. The doctor said that I am probably contracting because I am the size of a full term and that will make me contract more. And just because my uterus is so large, it is probably irritating and making me contract. In a way I was disappointed that the contractions weren't doing anything to help me dilate. But that is probably a good thing. Tomorrow I have another ultrasound to measure the baby's growth and to check my fluid levels. Part of me thinks that my levels have increased and that's why I have days where I contract so much.
My shrinking maternity clothes
This picture was actually taken just a few days before I went into labor, so I was about 36 weeks here.Well I am a little over 33 weeks pregnant. It is such a feeling of accomplishment every time we hit the "new week" mark. It has been a little difficult lately. I believe I am growing and growing, and my body is not adjusting well with the growth. Sleep is getting more difficult, but we just take it day by day. My clothes are slowly shrinking:) Or maybe it's because I am getting bigger!! I have moved on to wearing Eric's t-shirts.
We are excited to be this far along but we also realize that it is getting really close to delivery day. I have so many questions that just fly through my mind all of the time. Eric says I am nesting too because I have been trying to get everything cleaned and organized. I am trying to de-clutter since our families will be coming to stay with us. And a small apartment can get messy pretty fast. I always have a list of things I would like to get done. I am sure Eric is tired of it!
This last weekend I got very little sleep. My back hurt and I was just so uncomfortable. I felt ready to go to the hospital. I wanted to go into labor. This may sound rude, but I felt ready to move on with life. I just know how hard this is going to be and I wanted to start the process. It is amazing how impatient we get when we don't feel good. My mom said, "Clarissa may need to snuggle a little longer." It was when she said that, that I realized I was being selfish. It is okay if I am uncomfortable. So I told myself to deal with it. It is only a small moment in time. I don't want to regret anything, and I want to do what's best for Clarissa. Thank goodness the Lord is in charge because if we got what we wanted all of the time, I am sure we would regret some of those things we ask for. In a way I was happy I felt the way I did, because I felt like it was preparing me for the next step we are going to take. I know the flesh is very weak and often we may not see what the Lord is trying to teach us during these times where we feel we are waiting for the inevitable.
So I am trying to prepare myself not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. I am trying to enjoy feeling Clarissa move around. Sometimes it's difficult because I have so many other thoughts on my mind trying to prepare for her death. Mixed emotions.
I have been staying as active as possible. When I say active that means doing simple household activities. Like folding laundry or unloading the dishwasher. My legs are so weak because I have been so limited. If we go to the store or mall Eric pushes me around in a wheelchair. It is quite embarrassing. But I run out of breath so fast and I immediately start contracting. So if I want to get out, that is how we do it.
We are excited to be this far along but we also realize that it is getting really close to delivery day. I have so many questions that just fly through my mind all of the time. Eric says I am nesting too because I have been trying to get everything cleaned and organized. I am trying to de-clutter since our families will be coming to stay with us. And a small apartment can get messy pretty fast. I always have a list of things I would like to get done. I am sure Eric is tired of it!
This last weekend I got very little sleep. My back hurt and I was just so uncomfortable. I felt ready to go to the hospital. I wanted to go into labor. This may sound rude, but I felt ready to move on with life. I just know how hard this is going to be and I wanted to start the process. It is amazing how impatient we get when we don't feel good. My mom said, "Clarissa may need to snuggle a little longer." It was when she said that, that I realized I was being selfish. It is okay if I am uncomfortable. So I told myself to deal with it. It is only a small moment in time. I don't want to regret anything, and I want to do what's best for Clarissa. Thank goodness the Lord is in charge because if we got what we wanted all of the time, I am sure we would regret some of those things we ask for. In a way I was happy I felt the way I did, because I felt like it was preparing me for the next step we are going to take. I know the flesh is very weak and often we may not see what the Lord is trying to teach us during these times where we feel we are waiting for the inevitable.
So I am trying to prepare myself not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. I am trying to enjoy feeling Clarissa move around. Sometimes it's difficult because I have so many other thoughts on my mind trying to prepare for her death. Mixed emotions.
I have been staying as active as possible. When I say active that means doing simple household activities. Like folding laundry or unloading the dishwasher. My legs are so weak because I have been so limited. If we go to the store or mall Eric pushes me around in a wheelchair. It is quite embarrassing. But I run out of breath so fast and I immediately start contracting. So if I want to get out, that is how we do it.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
A wonderful Husband
I do have to write a little something about my husband. I write about all the things going on with this pregnancy, but there is always something going on behind the scenes. I do have to say how wonderful my husband has been through all of this. He does EVERYTHING around this house, plus school and work. He is a wonderful cook, and makes dinner every night for Maveric and I. He does at least a load of dishes every single day, and does laundry plus keeps up with the regular house work. Because we all know a 2 year old can destroy a house in 5 minutes:)
He doesn't complain when I wake him up at 3 in the morning to get me Tylenol and rub my back. He does the grocery shopping and does whatever I ask him. It has broken my heart watching him do all this for me. It has been so hard. As soon as he hits the pillow he is out! I have broke down in tears knowing that this has been physically hard on him as well. But he is the energizer bunny and never quits. He is the biggest blessing in my life and I could never go through this without him. Eric is a wonderful husband and father. And is pretty patient considering how needy I am:)
He has done this now for about a year. I did have a miscarriage at the beginning of the year and of course had morning sickness with little Clarissa. It has been a long road for him too. We figure this has been a trying year for us. But he is such a blessing through this. I am grateful for a strong family and a testimony of our Savior's Atonement. The Lord knows what we go through and will be there. This is part of life, to be tested. Eric has been strong and faithful during this time. Will we still be faithful through our trials?
I believe this is how families stick together, by serving each other, and not letting everything be a competition. Eric has been a great example of service to Maveric, Clarissa and I. He is a great strength in our family. I love you honey.
He doesn't complain when I wake him up at 3 in the morning to get me Tylenol and rub my back. He does the grocery shopping and does whatever I ask him. It has broken my heart watching him do all this for me. It has been so hard. As soon as he hits the pillow he is out! I have broke down in tears knowing that this has been physically hard on him as well. But he is the energizer bunny and never quits. He is the biggest blessing in my life and I could never go through this without him. Eric is a wonderful husband and father. And is pretty patient considering how needy I am:)
He has done this now for about a year. I did have a miscarriage at the beginning of the year and of course had morning sickness with little Clarissa. It has been a long road for him too. We figure this has been a trying year for us. But he is such a blessing through this. I am grateful for a strong family and a testimony of our Savior's Atonement. The Lord knows what we go through and will be there. This is part of life, to be tested. Eric has been strong and faithful during this time. Will we still be faithful through our trials?
I believe this is how families stick together, by serving each other, and not letting everything be a competition. Eric has been a great example of service to Maveric, Clarissa and I. He is a great strength in our family. I love you honey.
Almost 31 weeks! Yahoo!
In just a couple of days I will be 31 weeks. I will be officially going into my 8th month of pregnancy! I am very excited we have hung on this far. I feel really good. My contractions have slowed down quite a bit. I do sit and lay on the couch a lot. Maveric and I watch lots of movies.
I had a few nights of hardly any sleep, but I have been experimenting with pillows and finally figured out a combination of a few pillows that makes me, my back, and belly comfortable. This is a great accomplishment! I said a little prayer and thanked Heavenly Father because I woke up this morning without a hint of back pain. Life is better when you can sleep.
I feel great and feel like we might be able to go on further with this pregnancy. I am so happy. I feel like I will get to carry her longer than I thought. My goal was to make it to 32 weeks before my water broke because I have had so many contractions. But I think I can make it farther than that which would be wonderful. I want her to fit into the little dresses we got for her:)
I have adjusted to the fluid levels, unless little Clarissa has decided to drink some of it. Which I have asked her to do on several occasions! So until the next increase of fluid comes, I am glad we can keep our little girl longer, and I can be more comfortable. So thank you for your prayers too:)
What a blessing it is that we have ultrasounds. I am grateful that I can prepare for all of this. How hard it would be to find out at birth.
I had a few nights of hardly any sleep, but I have been experimenting with pillows and finally figured out a combination of a few pillows that makes me, my back, and belly comfortable. This is a great accomplishment! I said a little prayer and thanked Heavenly Father because I woke up this morning without a hint of back pain. Life is better when you can sleep.
I feel great and feel like we might be able to go on further with this pregnancy. I am so happy. I feel like I will get to carry her longer than I thought. My goal was to make it to 32 weeks before my water broke because I have had so many contractions. But I think I can make it farther than that which would be wonderful. I want her to fit into the little dresses we got for her:)
I have adjusted to the fluid levels, unless little Clarissa has decided to drink some of it. Which I have asked her to do on several occasions! So until the next increase of fluid comes, I am glad we can keep our little girl longer, and I can be more comfortable. So thank you for your prayers too:)
What a blessing it is that we have ultrasounds. I am grateful that I can prepare for all of this. How hard it would be to find out at birth.
I thought she might come early
About a week ago I had a pretty tough few days. I started having some intense contractions, not so much painful but strong without any breaks in between. We left church early because of my contractions. I play the piano in primary and was not able to continue to do so because it causes me to contract more. So I am taking a break from the piano until everything is over. As I walked away from the primary room, it hit me that things were getting harder for me and that the day we have been waiting for was getting closer. I got a little emotional. I had a couple of phone calls from good friends that offered to do anything for me that I needed. And it made me more emotional because I knew I would need their help. I knew that physically I was becoming more limited. It touches me those who step forward to help out in times like these. It is a blessing.
My contractions continued. The next day my friend Liz brought her kids over to play with Maveric which is very nice. It gives Maveric a little more activity and physical exertion! Maveric and I took naps later that day and I woke up with pretty strong contractions. They just weren't giving up. I tried to rest, I was drinking lots of water and doing what I could to calm them down. I was so worried that this was it. I was so frustrated because I knew that all I could do was wait for my water to break or for my contractions to get so strong that I was technically in labor. I was very emotional about everything, thinking about having Clarissa early and what that meant. Imagining how everything was going to be.
That night I was awake with some more contractions that were more painful. I thought this might be the beginning of labor. I timed them, but they weren't consistent. I waited them out and soon after 2 hours they let up enough that I was able to go to sleep. The next day was Monday, so I called my doctor to move up my appointment just to check everything out. So Tuesday I went in. I was about 29 weeks now.
The doctor measured my belly which now measured at 36 weeks. This was only 12 days since my last appointment, where I measured at 33 weeks. We told him about everything going on. He scheduled me for an ultrasound the next day because he really wanted to check my fluid levels again.
So the next day we had the ultrasound. My amniotic fluid then measured at 41 cm. It was 35 cm the last ultrasound 12 days ago. I figured this was why I had such a hard few days. We talked to my doctor afterwards about all our options. We talked about doing an amniocentesis where they draw fluid out of your belly about 2 liters at a time. We talked about the risks of that. We decided we wanted to wait until I am further along to do the amnio. Taking off the fluid usually gives you comfort for a few days up to a week. I was not dilated at all, so I felt more comfortable that these contractions were not affecting my cervix. Anywho...Eric and I had more information to be able to make confident decisions. We discussed our concerns.
So I waited for a few days to see if I would continue to have these intense contractions, I felt were from the sudden accumulation of the amniotic fluid. We prayed that I would be able to deal with my discomfort and have some relief. Eric and I packed for the hospital too, to be sure that we were prepared.
I had so many questions and concerns. I know the Lord will guide me as choices have to be made. I had a hard time feeling like Clarissa was going to come early. I felt like 'what was the point of carrying her this far if we have to induce or if she were to come early.' Why did I have to do this when a couple of months ago I had the choice of having an abortion. My mom said it simply "It is because it wasn't right to do that." I thought about it some more. I have built a relationship with Clarissa although she is not born. I have felt her and carried her and have done things for her. And if that is all I can do anymore then it was all worth it. I want to meet my baby girl. I want her to have a body although it is not perfect. I don't want to give up having the opportunity to serve a little angel. She has been a blessing in our lives so far. And I know she will be a blessing always to our family. I love her and nothing can change that. If I have to be uncomfortable for a little while I will do it. None of that matters in the end. I know when I see her, it will all be worth it and I would do it again for her.
My contractions continued. The next day my friend Liz brought her kids over to play with Maveric which is very nice. It gives Maveric a little more activity and physical exertion! Maveric and I took naps later that day and I woke up with pretty strong contractions. They just weren't giving up. I tried to rest, I was drinking lots of water and doing what I could to calm them down. I was so worried that this was it. I was so frustrated because I knew that all I could do was wait for my water to break or for my contractions to get so strong that I was technically in labor. I was very emotional about everything, thinking about having Clarissa early and what that meant. Imagining how everything was going to be.
That night I was awake with some more contractions that were more painful. I thought this might be the beginning of labor. I timed them, but they weren't consistent. I waited them out and soon after 2 hours they let up enough that I was able to go to sleep. The next day was Monday, so I called my doctor to move up my appointment just to check everything out. So Tuesday I went in. I was about 29 weeks now.
The doctor measured my belly which now measured at 36 weeks. This was only 12 days since my last appointment, where I measured at 33 weeks. We told him about everything going on. He scheduled me for an ultrasound the next day because he really wanted to check my fluid levels again.
So the next day we had the ultrasound. My amniotic fluid then measured at 41 cm. It was 35 cm the last ultrasound 12 days ago. I figured this was why I had such a hard few days. We talked to my doctor afterwards about all our options. We talked about doing an amniocentesis where they draw fluid out of your belly about 2 liters at a time. We talked about the risks of that. We decided we wanted to wait until I am further along to do the amnio. Taking off the fluid usually gives you comfort for a few days up to a week. I was not dilated at all, so I felt more comfortable that these contractions were not affecting my cervix. Anywho...Eric and I had more information to be able to make confident decisions. We discussed our concerns.
So I waited for a few days to see if I would continue to have these intense contractions, I felt were from the sudden accumulation of the amniotic fluid. We prayed that I would be able to deal with my discomfort and have some relief. Eric and I packed for the hospital too, to be sure that we were prepared.
I had so many questions and concerns. I know the Lord will guide me as choices have to be made. I had a hard time feeling like Clarissa was going to come early. I felt like 'what was the point of carrying her this far if we have to induce or if she were to come early.' Why did I have to do this when a couple of months ago I had the choice of having an abortion. My mom said it simply "It is because it wasn't right to do that." I thought about it some more. I have built a relationship with Clarissa although she is not born. I have felt her and carried her and have done things for her. And if that is all I can do anymore then it was all worth it. I want to meet my baby girl. I want her to have a body although it is not perfect. I don't want to give up having the opportunity to serve a little angel. She has been a blessing in our lives so far. And I know she will be a blessing always to our family. I love her and nothing can change that. If I have to be uncomfortable for a little while I will do it. None of that matters in the end. I know when I see her, it will all be worth it and I would do it again for her.
Friday, August 20, 2010
28 week doctors appointment
Mark and Christy came over to watch Maveric while Eric and I went to my 28 week doctors appointment August 12th. They did an ultrasound to measure growth of the baby and to measure my amniotic fluid levels. I was very curious to see pictures of Clarissa and to see if my fluids levels were high.
First we went into the ultrasound. As the nurse was starting the ultrasound she was immediately looking for the baby's head. She said she was having trouble finding it. I asked her "Now you know this baby has anencephaly, right?" She said " I did not know that, that explains a few concerns." She probably thought it was a routine ultrasound and didn't read my chart closely. So we carried on with the ultrasound. Eric and I asking lots of questions and making several comments regarding Clarissa. The nurse was very nice, and was actually the same lady that did our first ultrasound, when we found out about Clarissa's condition.
Well I must say that Clarissa looked very cute this time. Last time she didn't have a lot of fat to her, so her head looked very skeletal. But this time she had little chubby cheeks. I was thrilled! I have been praying for a little something that may be insignificant but important to me. I have been praying that although Clarissa will not have the top of her head, that her little face will be beautiful. I know she will be beautiful no matter what to me. But I wanted her face to be pure and pretty. So I was very happy to see her chubby cheeks, although she probably only weighs 1-2 pounds! She kicked around a lot, so we had to wait a few times for her to calm down so that we could measure her little body and measure her heart rate. 150 bpm perfect! She is growing according to how far along I am, give or take a few days. That was reassuring.
As for my amniotic fluid levels. They measure this in units of cm. The normal levels are between 12-22 cm. My levels are already at about 35cm. This explains the moments of feeling like I can't catch my breath, and just being real uncomfortable. Pregnancy is uncomfortable anyway but it has just seemed a different uncomfortable this time. The doctor asked about my breathing and I told him that I just have moments where I have to pause because I feel like I can't catch my breath. My belly was measuring at about 33 weeks rather than 28 weeks. We are not sure how fast the fluid will accumulate, we will just play it by ear. He thinks that my water could just spontaneously break, and if it doesn't we can just see how my comfort level is and my breathing is before we move on to other options. So we will see.
Some days I feel very immobile. My belly is feeling a lot bigger and looking that way. It feels very heavy at times. But Clarissa definitely has a very large swimming pool to move around in!
First we went into the ultrasound. As the nurse was starting the ultrasound she was immediately looking for the baby's head. She said she was having trouble finding it. I asked her "Now you know this baby has anencephaly, right?" She said " I did not know that, that explains a few concerns." She probably thought it was a routine ultrasound and didn't read my chart closely. So we carried on with the ultrasound. Eric and I asking lots of questions and making several comments regarding Clarissa. The nurse was very nice, and was actually the same lady that did our first ultrasound, when we found out about Clarissa's condition.
Well I must say that Clarissa looked very cute this time. Last time she didn't have a lot of fat to her, so her head looked very skeletal. But this time she had little chubby cheeks. I was thrilled! I have been praying for a little something that may be insignificant but important to me. I have been praying that although Clarissa will not have the top of her head, that her little face will be beautiful. I know she will be beautiful no matter what to me. But I wanted her face to be pure and pretty. So I was very happy to see her chubby cheeks, although she probably only weighs 1-2 pounds! She kicked around a lot, so we had to wait a few times for her to calm down so that we could measure her little body and measure her heart rate. 150 bpm perfect! She is growing according to how far along I am, give or take a few days. That was reassuring.
As for my amniotic fluid levels. They measure this in units of cm. The normal levels are between 12-22 cm. My levels are already at about 35cm. This explains the moments of feeling like I can't catch my breath, and just being real uncomfortable. Pregnancy is uncomfortable anyway but it has just seemed a different uncomfortable this time. The doctor asked about my breathing and I told him that I just have moments where I have to pause because I feel like I can't catch my breath. My belly was measuring at about 33 weeks rather than 28 weeks. We are not sure how fast the fluid will accumulate, we will just play it by ear. He thinks that my water could just spontaneously break, and if it doesn't we can just see how my comfort level is and my breathing is before we move on to other options. So we will see.
Some days I feel very immobile. My belly is feeling a lot bigger and looking that way. It feels very heavy at times. But Clarissa definitely has a very large swimming pool to move around in!
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